I decided to push you out of my lab

My advisor seems to have something to tell me. Why all of a sudden? Would it be something serious?

After a few years in the industry, John finally made a decision to do her PhD in my lab. So, I decided to push you out of my lab.

Okay I see. (A few minitues later) Can I ask one question? What about David?

She will remain in my lab. As you see, kicking someone out is more difficult than accepting somebody into the lab. During those years, you just stayed in your office alone, mainly watching Youtubes. Better to kick you out than David.

Okay I see. I understand your decision.

So, what should I do now? Suicide? Seems the only feasible solution. Cetainly better to commit suicide than continue living. Now I'm kicked out, nowhere to go. Perhaps the industry? The gameindustry? I don't like those pointless games. Waste of time. Better dead than working in the the gameindustry. I hate working. As they put it, 古人曰く、

働いたら負である。

そうですね。確かにそうですね。働いたら負けですね。じゃあ私は、これから何をすれば？働かないで、何を？やはりあれでしょうか？自殺？どう考えてもそれしかないな。

그게 말이 쉽지. In the absence of courage, I had no choice but to go on. It is life that a coward would never throw away. You will not end it unless it ends itself. Not so many options being available, I managed to get a job in a game company. I know I hate work. But you will eventually get a job regardless of your hatred against work, however strong.

So what do I do? Programming. Game programming. Writing codes for a mind-numbing game. Trying to find out bugs that exists somewhere only in the sense as in

Axiom of Choice: There exists a choice function.

I really think I'm not meant to do this. Programming, such a lowly and stupid thing, is just not for me. I'm meant to be a scientist. Had it not been the videogames that I played in my childhood, would I be doing science for now instead of programming? I just wasted so much time on pointless games. 그러나 잘 생각해본다면, 과연 무엇이 내 삶을 더 풍요롭게 했는가? 죽기 전 나는 무엇을 생각할까? 과학? 아니면 그때 했던 디지몬 나오는 게임? 나는 디지몬이 좋았는데. 많은 사람들은 영혼과 사후세계가 존재한다고 믿는다. 마찬가지로, 나는 디지몬과 디지털세계가 존재한다고 믿었다.

I don't really understand why so many people are crazy about games. Playing games cripples my mind and blows up my time. But certainly I was not honest during the interview, the kind of event in which nobody tells the truth, some of them even deceiving themselves as symtoms of 認知不調和.

I love playing games! That's why I'm so desperate to work here! Look at the exclamation marks here and there! It expresses my excitement about your games! I really wish to be a member of the development team! Since my childhood, I have been playing your games, my dream being a game developer working in your company! My parents looked down on my dream and wanted me to go to medical school! Why do I have to go to medical school while I have such a concrete, vivid dream? 心のそこから、ゲーマになりたかったんだよ！

Medical school was 焉敢生心 for me, or rather for my parents at that time. I learned how much optimistic people could be. They just delude themselves into something that is in apparent contradistinction to the clear actualities in front of them. It is only after rejection from the university that my parents accepted that it had never been even remotely possible. It is only after the global financial crisis that you understand the economy was about to crumble down. It is only after the breakup that you realize you maintained an impossible relationship. It is only after the funeral that your realize every evidence suggested the inevitable death.

Why? Because the reality is just too cruel? Because she just couldn't live for a second with the fact that he is now destined to face death soon? Of course everybody dies eventually. Some of them earlier by unexpected accident, some of them later by benefits of modern medical technology. But the medical techinology didn't do much in his case. Nor did the supernatualism/spritualism/superstition. His organs were losing functionalites. His appearence was getting uglier and uglier. He couldn't eat. He was just lying down all day long, in a hospital room, not even being able to use restroom on his own. He was locked in a body that isn't working anymore. Nothing could do anything.

There were ups and downs, but mostly downs. The medical condition improved a little bit, soon to get worse and worse. She focused only on the ups and took them as signs of recovery. She always told me he is getting better. A complete recovery was taken for granted. Nothing to be worried about. He will eventually come back to his life and everything will return to normal.