Writing in English

One may ask, why write in English? I may answer, why not? Because I can.

It was a truly difficult journey to try to learn this language of international communication, the language of trade, the language of science, the language of almost everything in modern era...

Yes, it was a difficult journey. It was seriously painful. I had always blamed my parents who (as opposed to those elite parents who take their kids to an English-speaking country when their children are still young so that they can learn this language of international standard without explicit, painful training) did not have much interest in teaching their kids English. It would have been much easier for me were I exposed to an English-speaking environment when I was much younger.

But blaming others for your own difficulty is of no use (except some mental comfort, though). English enhances your intellectual life by a great deal. I wanted to be an intellectual. I had no choice but to keep continue my training on English.

There is still the wall from the 4th dimension which you can't simply jump over between my competency and those of the native speakers. Of course I have grudges on this fact. Years and years and years of training, still the gap being far and wide. Resentment fulfills myself from the bottom of my heart...

But just lower the standard. I have to accept that the journey was more or less successful. I can pretty much write in English, though not like thr middle school educated native speakers...

Let's call it a success. Or is it? Considering the cost of my pain that I had to go through while learning the language, was it really worth it?

Not sure. But one thing certain. I cannot go through such a difficult process anymore. However massive the benefit would be, painful is painful. I hate pain. I can't stand anymore the torture of forcing yourself get used to the vocabularly and syntax that are alien.

I sometimes wonder, noticing my playing hours on my steam account, that, had it not been for silly videogames, had I be more fluent in English, or Japanese, or even lojban?

But you can think this way only when you downplay the value of videogames. They are not something silly. They are the things that alleviated the pain in my life, one of the few things that made me happy, however temporarily.

Back than I sacrificed my spare time for the sake of learning foriegn languages, whose eventual goal was juat simply to become a more intellectual human being (plus to understand what my waifus are saying from the second dimension). I gave up. No more need to try to become more intelligent, or smart, or wise. I'm fine just as I am. I'd rather play silly videogames than write scientific papers which will constitute contribution to human civilization.

I concede that playing videogames is not an intellectual activity in comparison to doing scientific research. So what? I have to throw away the corset of intellectualism, as did the Korean feminists throw away the corset of obessesion to the common conception of beauty. So to speak, tal-intellectual-corset movement.

As for lojban, I really didn't succeed in learning this constructed language, except the very basics of the grammar which I forgot. Attempt to learn it will put me into serious pain. I reject. I quit. Intellectualism may had been the only reason to study this language, which I decided to throw away.

As for the Japanese language, nihongo ha hitsuyou kamo shirenai for my waifus. Demo kanji ga muzukashi sugiru. Muzukashii koto ha, mou yaritaku arimasen. Ore ha mou tsukare tan da. Shinitai.

Kekkyoku kono kiji mo kono ochi kayo. Ore ha chisei ga kirai. Mou benkyou ha shinai. Ore ha kashikoku naru hitsuyou ha nai. Mou kono mama de iin da. Bakademo kankei nai. Jinsei ni totte juuyouna mono ha hokani aru.