Theorem X

The following theorem is not relevant to the rest of the text (possibly the most interesting, though).
 
Theorem X (Secret).
I am not qualified for a Ph.D.
 
Proof.
This is supposed to be confidential. In case you found this out, I hope you are the type of person good enough not to blackmail me for leaking the secret. In case you are not good enough (or smart enough to leverage your opportunity) possibly I could bribe you with some things for the price of your silence. Please, please not to tell anybody. You never know what is going to happen in future between you and I. If you keep silent of my secret, I owe you a favor. Reciprocity is the basis of all human relationship. In future possibly I could discover your weakness. At that point, I swear in the name of brotherhood I am never going to exploit your weakness if you keep my secret right now. We are all brothers anyway. I do not want us to stand against each othet.

Everyone has the desire to confess his own guilt. One can feel catharsis and liberation from the emotional burden this way. It is part of human nature. People want to express themselves. Criminals are no exception. Let me bring up an illuminating case: A 50-year-old inmate named James Washington confessed to murdering a Nashville woman 17 years ago while on his deathbed. You can search on the Internet and read if you are interested. I am too lazy to add references.
 
$${insert random math}$$
 
I am no different. I have the desire to confess my own guilt. And here is where I am going to make such a confession: I am not qualified for a Ph.D. I know little about research. I do not possess the skills to produce any relevant research outcomes. I am not a person fit for a Ph.D. This is the single truest truth that I painfully found out over the years. At first, I doubted. After a few attempts, doubt changed to implicit acceptance, which eventually became a confirmed, self-evident truth. The apple falls down to earth. The earth revolves around the sun. The sun rises in the east. To deny it is to deny the universe.
 
$$\int_a^b f = F(b) - F(a)$$
 
This is where I found the most fit place for such a confession. Nobody is going to read my worthless dissertation. (I am not lamenting. It is one good thing that people do not waste their time reading this garbage.) So no one will find out. I am not going to be debunked. I can write it in my own private diary to make this secret even more secure. But the desire to confess my own guilt is not fulfilled that way. Just like every criminal, secretly I want to be caught. This is the most optimal compromising point between my guilty pleasure and various practical reasons for not wanting to look like an incompetent Ph.D.
 
At the time of writing, I am preparing for a fraud: To deceive the dissertation defense committee. I do not think this is going to be too hard. The world is already full of unqualified Ph.Ds. Just adding one more does not seem to be a thing. Am I being courageous? Or shameless? Or both?
 
Let us go back to the case of James Washington whom I introduced earlier. He had a heart attack and believed his death was near. He confessed that he committed a murder. After a miraculous recovery, he was convicted and sentenced to life. He tried to take back his confession, but it was no use. If it were not for the confession, he would be out of prison now. What are the lessons?
 
Well, you do not learn anything unless you experience it yourself. Life lesson for James Washington, a mere interesting anecdote for me. My desire for self-expression is strong enough not to be broken down by a random person's fool on the other side of the earth. Instead, I come up with reasons that I will be safe even with my confession.
 
"... one small problem was that I was sure I wasn't qualified ...", said Bernd Sturmfels, a renowned mathematician, in an Interview for ICM 2022. You can search YouTube for the interview video. In his case, his confession was treated as if he simply had a condition called "imposter syndrome". Nobody suspects his qualifications. His degree is never going to be revoked.
 
This is going to be my strategy as well. Yes, I am suffering from imposter syndrome. One of the most cruel, cold, hard truths in academia is that there actually are imposters, many or few, oftentimes or rarely. It is a very difficult task, however, to distinguish a genuine imposter from a fake one. This is why my strategy is going to be effective. Yes, of course. I wrote all these as a symptom of imposter syndrome. In fact, I am more than qualified. The fact that I passed my dissertation defense proves my quality. Do not ever be suspicious of my competence.
 
One last thing. Let me ask you a simple question. How much do you agree with the phrase "the more money, the merrier"? (Or "金錢多多益善" if you like the Chinese version.) Please answer on a scale of 1 to 9. Whatever your answer may be, my answer will be 9. And my answer must be independent of my imposter syndrome. Simply put, despite not being qualified, I want money. You must not exploit my psychological issue to lower my salary. You need to pay me as if I am a normal Ph.D.